Where do I start with this post? I don’t want to keep going backwards, but I still cannot believe how much God has revealed to me over the past year and a half… Yes, exactly 1 year and 6 months since Franco and started trying for a baby.
The main theme these days is faith, prayer and hope. Scripture, quotes and sermons I hear or read lately all have the same message and really speak to my heart.
Initially, when Dr. V told us that our only hope of getting pregnant would be through IVF, I was angry and didn’t want to accept it… my thoughts were, My God is bigger than this! For me, personally I though that through doing IVF it was like saying, “actually God – I don’t think you can do this so I am going to handle it myself!” I endured a long couple of stubborn months, waiting for God to perform a miracle, waiting for the spontaneous conception.
In October last year, I went on a ladies retreat with our church and in one of the exercises to do a vow of silence, God really spoke to me. It was themed around Love, Hope and Faith. He revealed the understanding of His Love – Deuteronomy 5:6 “I AM the Lord your God” – am being He is, not will be or can be or is going to be or was… He is my God! He chose me, He loved me 1st. The next think he showed me at that point was to believe, Mark 5:14 – ” This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” Also in Romans 10:9 – “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved”. God showed me to prepare for His blessing – this would be the faith part… Mark 11:22 -23. Finally in closing, He said wait… the hope piece of His message to me – Psalm 62:5, “Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him.” – That was it, I was filled with a promise from God that He heard our prayer and all I needed to do was wait…
And so I waited and prayed and waited and prayed… I had hope and trusted God for a miracle. Again months went by, Christmas and New Years came and went and was quiet an emotional holiday, suppose because throughout the year I imagined sharing our next Christmas with a new little addition to the family.
At the end of January this year I was super convinced that this was it! Our little baby would be with us by Christmas 2013. “In faith” I even purchased a little 0-3 month red and white striped onsie with “santa’s little helper” printed on the front. Needless to say, a week or so later, my heart was really truly broken. I couldn’t lift my hands to worship in church, with the words of every song that we sang, tears rolled down my face and I struggled to get the words out.
I reached an all time low and began questioning myself, questioning God about doing IVF. Would it be that Franco and I were giving up on God performing a miracle? An elder at our church shared with us that God has given the doctors knowledge and we have the new technology at our disposal. At the end of the day, our baby would be the miracle – not the way he or she is conceived.
Franco and I accepted this – sort of kind of – and proceeded to make the necessary appointments at Vitalab to do IVF. We were on track to saving for what was supposed to be a holiday to Thailand, so funds would be available. I made the appointment and the next soonest was for the end of May – next week!
In the two months of waiting for this appointment, I have now understand the true meaning of the verse in Isaiah 55:8 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.” I thought that the miracle should be Franco and I getting pregnant the way most other couples do, God thinks differently – or so I think at this stage. I have also accepted more that the baby is the miracle. Yes, doctors can do everything possible for the egg and sperm to meet and the little embryo to grow, but it is only God who gives life, unless that little embryo attaches to the uterus, a baby will not grow. It is all God at the end of the day!
So where does faith, prayer and hope come in? A few scriptures, ” If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you” (John 15:7, NIV) and ” Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:13-16, NIV). We discussed these in our family homecell and my dad clearly put it, – if we do the possible, God will do the impossible!
In a nutshell – When we ask in faith and in Christ’s name–that is, in oneness with Him and His will–it will be given you,” (John 15:7). Since God’s Word cannot fail, whenever we meet these simple conditions, the answer to our prayer has already been granted and is complete in heaven as we pray. When we believe God for a blessing, we must have an attitude of faith and begin to act and pray as if the blessing were already ours. And as our pastor mentioned in the service on Sunday, we need to stop asking and start thanking!
I have no certainty that our 1st round of IVF will work, but I have every hope (there’s that word again) that we will have our little miracle. What I do know is that had we tried doing IVF this time last year, my heart would not have been in this space, I would not have grown in my relationship with God and would not have the knowledge and understanding of the journey.
“Where faith and hope live, miracles blossom.”