Going for what makes me happy – 7 steps forward, 2 steps backward

Following the my live for now post…

In this light bulb moment and through attempts of being hopeful and positive – realizing that YES – Events is what makes me happy! YES – that’s what I am going to do… YES YES YES!

Right let’s get going then.

Step one  – I engaged with HR to let them know that this is what I was interested in and how can I move forward. Responses weren’t great as I know in most corporate environments  – Event Manager roles don’t open up very often. It’s the best of both – normal working hours (Monday – Friday) and then you attend, oversee and manage the events which you’ve been planning. (not every weekend / evening as it would be at a venue). The feedback I got was, give yourself a time frame and if nothing opens up, you need to look at what else you can do instead of. – I wasn’t very happy with that feedback and didn’t give it much though either…

Step two – not even a week later, an Event Manager role opened up within my company. My thoughts, “Wow – how perfect is God’s timing…” I immediately enquired about the vacancy, updated my CV and applied. The thing is though – my CV details Event Coordinator as opposed to Event Manager which is what the role is for, however on the job spec – I can very capably do and have done everything listed and more. What’s a title anyway?

Step three – I continue to wait without feedback on my application. A week following this my hubby calls me about a vacancy at his company – Whaaaat? Another Event Manager vacancy within a corporate environment at the same time I just so happen to make this decision for a career move? Thoughts: “God loves me so much, He’s even giving me options here!” I forward my CV and then read the Job Spec – again the same thing… very capable and am able to do all that is listed. The nerd inside me gets excited about the ‘extra work’. I want this position more than the one at my current company.

Step four – I start praying for this, about this and before the words come out my mouth, I think, “Come on God, you owe me one!” Did I seriously just think that? Was I seriously just about to pray that? God doesn’t owe me anything! I have salvation. He gave His son to die on the cross for my sins… How dare I say He owes me. I should be more than grateful for what I have, which I am… and I keep trying to remember and find it in my heart to be content with the fact that even if I have nothing, I have eternal salvation and that is more than enough!

Step five – Post my little selfish moment, I begin trying to let go. I try pray – letting the words follow, “Lord, its in your hands” – Praying this doesn’t seem right, doesn’t feel as though I can do it. Look at what happened that last time I did that. Look at what happened the last time I trusted God. The more logical me starts thinking, mmmm okay – all in God’s timing. So, if this is it, and I know God is very good at multi-tasking, perhaps this is the start of my healing process – perhaps this is the time for me to trust again, to allow God to answer my prayers.(‘allow God’ – as if I’ve been able to stop Him, as if I even have  a say in what God does in my life) Who is this person with these thoughts?

I know these answers, I know the comments I make don’t make sense, I know that regardless of the outcome I want – God has a plan and is in control (weather I allow Him to be or ‘not’)

Step six – Still waiting to hear back from any of the companies on an interview or feedback… Get excited that I have some direction – this is what I want, this is where I want to be. It’s the first time in a long time which I have applied for a post and thought to myself… “I want this job!” as opposed to, “if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen…”

My stomach turns as it suddenly hits me, what do I do if I don’t get the job, what do I do if I don’t even get an interview? Mmmmmm – and that’s where my thinking stopped.

Step seven – today… I finally got some feedback, “Unfortunately we are looking for someone with more experience… “ Seriously? Now what?

Here comes a little moan – and I’m sorry – the question everyone always asks – Why? Why can’t I get a break? Why can’t I do what makes me happy? Have I been wrong all along about what I need? God, help me here… I need something!!!

Then when I put my emotions one side, a little bit of hope pops its head out of the covers… who knew hope still lived here? Maybe this is God saying that I don’t have to chose between the two roles – this only leaving me available for the one I actually really want?

Time to move back up to Step five.. Praying and Trusting God for the job I want!

Feeling content

With everything going on… I feel completely content – at peace!

It is an amazing feeling! I am in such a good place at the moment knowing that God has already worked all of this our for us from my career to the sale of our townhouse to the building and development of our cluster unit to starting our family. All of these things have a pretty large price tag on them and God has just provided.

In our family homecell we have every Tuesday night the same message has been laid on our hearts…

Pray and in your prayers, give thanks to God that He has already answered your prayers. Remain in God – seek His face – spend time with Him and He will answer your prayers. Trust – Trust that God knows what He is doing, that He only wants what is best for you and will make everything work according to His will.

So, while I wait patiently knowing that God has this… I find comfort and peace with these promises from Him.

“Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly” (Psalm 5:3, nlt).

“I will give thanks to your name for your unfailing love and faithfulness, because your promises are backed by all the honor of your name” (Psalm 138:2, NLT).

“For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.” (2 Corinthians 1:20, NIV)

“Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.” (Ephesians 3:20 NLT)  

“I am God Almighty (El Shaddai); walk before me faithfully and be blameless. Then I will make my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers.” (Genesis 17:1-2)

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you, (John 15:7, NIV).

Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective (James 5:13-16, NIV).

Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks (Philippians 4:6, GW).

But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you (Psalm 56:3, ESV).

Very excited for the next couple of weeks to come…

Smack bang in the middle…

My thinking lately has been, “stop waiting for something to be in place, before putting something else into motion…”

Which I suppose is why we are going ahead with IVF now rather than later. So – smack, bang in the middle of selling our one bedroom townhouse, building our 3 bedroom cluster house (and since having moved back in with my parents until our new place is built) – proposed date of move in – 1 December 2013… but before I get carried away with the details, lets continue with my “smack, bang in the middle” list – completing my studies in Early Childhood Development, once completed figuring out what I want to study next and finally trying to find some direction or clarity with my role at work we decide to go ahead with IVF.

With all of this going on – there are most certainly moments of being overwhelmed and moments of feeling in-over-my-head and then there are moments where I know that God has already got it all planned out.

I felt a little bit like I was sinking earlier today, trying to figure out in my mind what I want from my career and what I want to do, from a recent work off-site, we questioned what makes us get out of bed in the morning and I sadly could not give a clear answer… It was a little bit along the direction of this and then a passion for that and an interest in another thing. Honestly I felt like a bit of an idiot after I gave my answer and got a picture in my mind of playing a game of Twister all by myself.

As I was in this self argument with myself, I pulled myself away from my desk to attend a weekly prayer meeting with other colleagues and friends from work. It is an amazing 30 minutes or more of praise, worship, sharing, fellowship. No set agenda, led by the Holy Spirit and we leave feeling refreshed, uplifted, lighter and at times challenged… Anyway, today I arrive a little late and sat in a single bucket seat and began to pray.As I started praying, my initial thoughts were to make a list so that I could tick off or keep track of everything going on in our lives at the moment – making sure I didn’t leave anything out… Before the thought could even be processed into words of prayer, I prayed, “Actually God, please take all these things I am going though, take them and sort them out…”

Obviously there are certain things which I have asked God for already and asked Him more often for – of which I have stopped asking and stared thanking God. I know that as soon as the prayer leaves my heart, God is at work and has already put the plan into action.

Easier said than done and is something that I need to keep reminding myself. I am excited for God to do something so WOW! Something so unexpected, I am excited to share an awesome testimony of how big our God is!

Watch this space…