IVF#2 becomes FET#1

I’ve been really slack again in blogging and there’s really no excuse really – originally I was really busy, but things have calmed down at work and as I reflect back – it was all in God’s perfect timing!

Here’s a quick recap of how my cycle has been.

Week 2 (June 15 – 21)

Responded really well to the meds – infact a little too well I had to do a freeze all cycle because if we had done a fresh transfer and resulted in pregnancy, the doctors were worried I would end up in ICU with OHSS.

Week 3 (June 22 – 28)

Egg retrieval – my excellent response to the stims resulted in 18 eggs being retrieved. I felt horrible after the retrieval. Very bloated, out of breath, light headed, and all round ill. I was supposed to go in for a scan, but was quite busy at work that I just pushed through. Thinking back now, I think if I had gone for a scan, I possibly would have been admitted with OHSS. Thankfully I somehow managed to recover.

14 of the 18 eggs fertilized on day one.

Waiting for my egg retrevial

Week 4 (June 29 – July 5)

This was supposed to be transfer week.

By day 5 there were on 2 of 14 embryo’s to freeze. This was a huge shock to me as hubby as I were discussing potentials of transferring 2 and then another one later and what do we do with the rest and so on and so on. It never once crossed my mind that we would only have two to freeze.

A very good friend of mine, put things into excellent perspective, she said, “You only need one – you already have double than what you need!” it hit home and put my mind at ease as I focused on the fact that God gives life and despite the circumstances, God is able to perform miracles.

Scheduled to go in for a scan on day one of my period – and thank goodness we didn’t do a fresh cycle because by the end of the week, I had got my period! Scan, all looks okay – put on a the pill because my ovaries are still very busy – the pill would slow things down and at my next period would start a medicated cycle to prepare the lining. In addition to the meds, the dr ordered an endo scape a week before next period is due – this is supposed be amazing… Was rather nervous for the procedure.

Week 5 (July 6 – 12)

How awesome is God’s timing! This was possibly the busiest week ever in work history! We managed to pull off a very successful event with 50 people over a period of 3 days. I loved every minute of it! By now I had no choice but to feel better! by the end of the event, I walked in the door at home and cried, Relieved and overwhelmed.

and although I loved every minute of what I was doing at work, I was under a lot of stress and pressure and know that my body would not have coped with the stress and pressure of work and growing a baby…

Thank you Jesus!

Week 6 (July 13 – 19)

Rest – the storm has passed. Time to focus on me and getting a healthy little home for our little embryo’s. With lots of questions and uncertainties – we meet with Dr. G again and he says he’ll do the endo scrape then – two days before the scheduled date which he says is fine. I start asking questions about egg quality and what happened that there are not many to freeze – Dr G explained that it may be because of the incubators – he said I have excellent fertilization rates so there’s no sperm issue, there seems to be a decline after day 3 which makes him think that it could possibly be that our embryo’s would grow better in a natural environment which if this cycle fails we could explore the option of GIFT – where they’ll put embryo’s and sperm into my fallopian tubes to fertilize and make their way to the uterus.

To be honest, I haven’t done any research on this because at this stage, my hope is in Jesus… one day at a time.

Oh – the endo scrape wasn’t bad at all! It was like a pap smear – inject a local anaesthetic into the cervix and scratch the womb lining with a catheter – its supposed to send a repair message and lots of blood flow to the uterus to help with implantation. Had a little spotting after but was so fine!

Week 7 (July 20 – 26)

Some more rest and taking it easy! Start period and get ready to start with meds for lining. 4 x Estropause tabs 2 x daily.

Week 8 (July 27 – August 2)

I travel to PE for work this week and welcome the break, plus – I got to spend some valuable time with my cousin who lives there. He had a sleep over at the hotel with me and I introduced a 8 year old to hotel life! He loved the idea of ordering room service and being able to lie in a warm bed and just watch TV!

Still on estropause. Scan again next week.

Week 9 (August 3 – 9)

Still on estropause – Dr. is so impressed with the lining that he calls another Dr. to come and have a look at ‘waves’ in my uterus – he says that they don’t see it very often and what they did see, was the best they’d seen. Its apparently caused from contractions at the fertile time which helps the embryo travel from the fallopian tubes to the uterus and further help with implantations. How amazing! I was so chuffed with my ‘unicorn’ uterus contractions.

Week 10 (August 10 – 16)

Transfer week – on leave for this entire week and I LOVE IT! I arrange to have coffee’s with my friend and mom. Help out at church for the Ladies retreat on the weekend, help our Pastor put some proposals together. Even though I spent a lot of the time working – it was awesome! I could do this all the time… Wednesday go for sozo and reflexology.

Thursday – transfer day. I fill my bladder up too quickly that I have to empty it and start again – I’m last on the list. Go in for the transfer and ask Franco to record it. Unfortunately we didn’t see as much as the last time. Dr struggles a little with the angle of my uterus – could be due to scar tissue that its difficult to reach the opening of my uterus. The procedure is quite uncomfortable – not to painful. There’s pressure on your bladder and then more pressure from down below… thankfully is over quite quickly.

FEET FET1 FET

Friday – go for reflexology and head off with friends, mom and sisters to a ladies retreat for the weekend with our church. What an awesome spirit filled weekend. I was in a bit of an unusual space over the weekend – having peace about all situations I am currently in.

Week 11 (Aug 17 – 23)

Week one of the TWW.

A few twinges and period like cramping, on and off which I know could mean either a period is coming or implantation. A few occasions where I felt nauseous after eating. (which could also just be because I ate too much)… sore boobs toward the end of the week.  All of which could be either a period coming on or positive pregnancy. That being said, I didn’t experience any of the above with our 1st IVF which resulted in a negative.

Week 12 (Aug 24 and waiting)

Week two of the TWW

Lucky for us the TWW is not as long as two weeks – its two days short and for those of you who know, in the tww – two days is two days. We are doing bloods tomorrow morning. Hubby has said that we won’t do a home pregnancy tests – we must wait for bloods. (the last time I did a test the morning of our blood results and it was negative, but because I had so much hope in the process I shrugged it off as too early to test) needless to say we were devastated when we got the results!

Oh boy! I am so so so nervous for tomorrow.

I have absolutely no control over the results. I am struggling to find an analogy to how I am feeling right now and there are none.

Praying – hoping – trusting – please Jesus! Please God may these results be positive, may the pains I have be our little babies knitting in my womb. You know them by name and you love them already!

Thank you Jesus.

Finding hope in 2014

Last night for the 1st time in a very long time I felt excited at the thought of being pregnant.

Hubby and I were lying on the couch after a New Years Day braai at my parents house where he put his hand on my very bloated from holiday feasting full tummy… last night I felt excited that perhaps one day soon he’ll put his hand there to rub my very ‘bloated’ from being pregnant tummy. I climbed into the bath later and my boobs felt a little sensitive and the same ‘take your breath away breath of fresh air’ feeling came over me that perhaps it could pregnancy – how perfect a positive pregnancy test, an incredible miracle for a new year…

hope

I read an incredible post last night too (while in the bath) about being content in God. about when special occasions become too hard – its time to lay down your desires… about not letting the desire of wanting to be pregnant or wanting to be a mom consume everything that you are, and more… Laughing inside because I am sure that there a posts in my blog previously with the words typed, “Lord, I commit this into your hands” or “God, take this from me” or “Father, I trust in your timing” Ah huh? Its that easy… NOT!

Anyway, back to the post, which was such an eye opener for me. Thank you Anna for this incredible post and not only relevant for Mothers day, but speaking to me on New Years Day http://annasjoyblog.blogspot.com/2013/05/if-mothers-day-is-hard-for-you.html  I love this bit which I have copied and pasted below, which I am going to print out and stick everywhere in my house – to be reminded… yes – God is bigger (I’ve said this before) but I haven’t made Him bigger…

Make God bigger.  

Or in Psalms-speak, “Magnify the LORD!”
 
Ask God to examine your heart and inmost thoughts, ask that gentle Counselor to show you where things are off. Ask Truth to show you the gifts and the work that are present in you right now, things you don’t have to wait for but can partake in now. If you have trusted in God and are on the path of discipleship to enter His Kingdom, then these things abound, I promise you.
 
I’m praying for you, friend, this morning and throughout today. Will you pray for me, too? I can write this because I’m living it. No pointing fingers here, unless it’s just to show you my own scars and tell you, “Me too.”
 
Tasty bites to get you started:
Psalm 34:3, “Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt His name together.”
Psalm 34:8, “Taste and see that the LORD is good, blessed is the man (or woman) who trusts in Him!”
Psalm 34:15, “The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, His ears are open to their cry.”
 
Psalm 69:29-33, “But I am poor and sorrowful;
Let Your salvation, O God, set me up on high.
 I will praise the name of God with a song,
And will magnify Him with thanksgiving.
This also shall please the Lord better than an ox or bull,
Which has horns and hooves.
The humble shall see this and be glad;
And you who seek God, your hearts shall live.
For the Lord hears the poor,
And does not despise His prisoners.”
Here I go – heading into 2014… Feeling hopeful – making God bigger…

Going for what makes me happy – 7 steps forward, 2 steps backward

Following the my live for now post…

In this light bulb moment and through attempts of being hopeful and positive – realizing that YES – Events is what makes me happy! YES – that’s what I am going to do… YES YES YES!

Right let’s get going then.

Step one  – I engaged with HR to let them know that this is what I was interested in and how can I move forward. Responses weren’t great as I know in most corporate environments  – Event Manager roles don’t open up very often. It’s the best of both – normal working hours (Monday – Friday) and then you attend, oversee and manage the events which you’ve been planning. (not every weekend / evening as it would be at a venue). The feedback I got was, give yourself a time frame and if nothing opens up, you need to look at what else you can do instead of. – I wasn’t very happy with that feedback and didn’t give it much though either…

Step two – not even a week later, an Event Manager role opened up within my company. My thoughts, “Wow – how perfect is God’s timing…” I immediately enquired about the vacancy, updated my CV and applied. The thing is though – my CV details Event Coordinator as opposed to Event Manager which is what the role is for, however on the job spec – I can very capably do and have done everything listed and more. What’s a title anyway?

Step three – I continue to wait without feedback on my application. A week following this my hubby calls me about a vacancy at his company – Whaaaat? Another Event Manager vacancy within a corporate environment at the same time I just so happen to make this decision for a career move? Thoughts: “God loves me so much, He’s even giving me options here!” I forward my CV and then read the Job Spec – again the same thing… very capable and am able to do all that is listed. The nerd inside me gets excited about the ‘extra work’. I want this position more than the one at my current company.

Step four – I start praying for this, about this and before the words come out my mouth, I think, “Come on God, you owe me one!” Did I seriously just think that? Was I seriously just about to pray that? God doesn’t owe me anything! I have salvation. He gave His son to die on the cross for my sins… How dare I say He owes me. I should be more than grateful for what I have, which I am… and I keep trying to remember and find it in my heart to be content with the fact that even if I have nothing, I have eternal salvation and that is more than enough!

Step five – Post my little selfish moment, I begin trying to let go. I try pray – letting the words follow, “Lord, its in your hands” – Praying this doesn’t seem right, doesn’t feel as though I can do it. Look at what happened that last time I did that. Look at what happened the last time I trusted God. The more logical me starts thinking, mmmm okay – all in God’s timing. So, if this is it, and I know God is very good at multi-tasking, perhaps this is the start of my healing process – perhaps this is the time for me to trust again, to allow God to answer my prayers.(‘allow God’ – as if I’ve been able to stop Him, as if I even have  a say in what God does in my life) Who is this person with these thoughts?

I know these answers, I know the comments I make don’t make sense, I know that regardless of the outcome I want – God has a plan and is in control (weather I allow Him to be or ‘not’)

Step six – Still waiting to hear back from any of the companies on an interview or feedback… Get excited that I have some direction – this is what I want, this is where I want to be. It’s the first time in a long time which I have applied for a post and thought to myself… “I want this job!” as opposed to, “if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen…”

My stomach turns as it suddenly hits me, what do I do if I don’t get the job, what do I do if I don’t even get an interview? Mmmmmm – and that’s where my thinking stopped.

Step seven – today… I finally got some feedback, “Unfortunately we are looking for someone with more experience… “ Seriously? Now what?

Here comes a little moan – and I’m sorry – the question everyone always asks – Why? Why can’t I get a break? Why can’t I do what makes me happy? Have I been wrong all along about what I need? God, help me here… I need something!!!

Then when I put my emotions one side, a little bit of hope pops its head out of the covers… who knew hope still lived here? Maybe this is God saying that I don’t have to chose between the two roles – this only leaving me available for the one I actually really want?

Time to move back up to Step five.. Praying and Trusting God for the job I want!